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Monday, May 17, 2021

Loophole | AstraDaemon

THE SUICIDE CLUB: YOU ARE NOT ALONE by Matt Shaw is a novella I had to approach with caution because of my own suicide attempt (over 20 years ago), but I can assure you the author did not act irresponsibly with his handling of this subject.

I love THE SUICIDE CLUB, particularly the scene with the chainsaw, but I think SKELETONS, the built-in sequel, is one of the best stories Shaw has ever written. Chris Hall is now one of my favorite anti-heroes.

Matt Shaw has done a brilliant job of mixing horror with the subjects of depression and suicide, and provided both an entertaining and thought-provoking punch-in-the-face to his readers, a lying twat whose name rhymes with Lamber Turd, quarantine hotels, and, of course, Death. Well done.

I'm recommending this one to all readers and adding this title to my BEST FICTION 2021 list.

As always,
AstraDaemon


For anyone wondering: twenty-three years and one month ago (April 1998), I swallowed an obscene amount of sleeping pills. I changed my mind soon after, and went to the emergency room. Since I was still awake, they told me to swallow a tube of liquid charcoal and keep it down or I would have to get my stomach pumped. The staff in the ER were all people I had worked with on various fundraisers, so the situation was extremely upsetting and shocking for everyone involved.

I had everything going for me at that point in time, such as graduating from college (paying my own tuition, mind you). However, I had gone through my own personal crucible (abuse, divorce, etc.) to reach that point in my life. For context, growing up, I had many people (including "family") tell me I wouldn't amount to anything. Nothing motivates me more than proving someone wrong...but the process was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. I was 23, and I didn't think I had anything left to give the rest of my life, so I took the pills.

What changed my mind? First of all, I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to sleep and not have to do anything ever again. I felt as if I had to fight one way or another to get from one day to the next, and I didn't want to anymore. Everything was always the hard way, and I wanted the easy way just once.

My only other reason: someone very close to me stopped by just to say "I love you." In that moment, when I realized someone did indeed have my back, I decided I wasn't ready to give up after all. So, please, let the people in your life know they matter to you because you never know what could be going through their minds.

Did my life turn out the way I planned? Hell, no. Did I have to deal with an absurd amount of crap over the years to follow? Hell, yes. While I wouldn't want to have to relive certain years of my life, I'm happy with who I am and the blessings I have now (ex: I'm the mother of a wonderful person who has already brought a lot of joy and kindness to many others).

For those who can't be bothered with the math, I'm 46 now. I'm more than ready for the next twenty-three years...

Don't give up,
Ursula K Raphael

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your struggle. A few years back, when I was trying to get clean from an opiate addiction and without meds, I swallowed a ton of Ambien and washing down with a small bottle of rum. I went to bed, woke up the next morning with a terrible headache but still alive. My grandmother once told me that I have "the devil's luck" and since then I have done everything I can to make people understand that they are worth the love they received and their demons can be used to fuel that power, instead of being fought against.

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